Thursday, January 12, 2012

bad news never has good timing

I bet you were excited to read a post that had "bad news" in the title.

Unfortunately, it happened again: I miscarried a few days before Christmas. I've wanted to write about it, but my thoughts have felt pretty scattered. I haven't really told very many people. I don't know why it's so hard for me to get the words out. It's much easier for me to write them down.

This experience was completely different from the first. Don't judge me when I say this, but it wasn't nearly as hard. (Well, that isn't entirely true--the physical part was way worse. If you ever are in the terrible situation and have the option, go for the D+C. Naturally miscarrying is even more awful than having a D+C.)

I'm not sure why it didn't seem as difficult this time. I'd like to believe that it was because Nate and I learned a lot from our other experience and were a little stronger this time around, but who really knows.

I was reading a biography of Audrey Hepburn recently, and in it she said that the closest she ever felt to going crazy was when she kept miscarrying. Don't report me or anything, but I could sympathize with that feeling. It's just that you feel such a loss, but the world keeps spinning and life goes on. You feel so different, but everything else is the same. It's hard to explain and even harder to experience.

We found out we were pregnant on Nate's birthday. It was the best present ever. I wrapped up a bottle of Izze's soda and tied a note to it that said, "You're going to be a 'Pops'--hopefully for real this time!"

I tried really hard to make sure I was just as excited for this baby as I had been for our first. This time we were able to go to an ultrasound. I wish I could've relaxed and just enjoyed seeing our baby and the heartbeat. Of course, I'm not sure if relaxed and pregnant ever belong together.

There were so many blessings this time around: having amazing doctors and nurses, spending time with family at Christmas, enjoying endless days of sunshine in the middle of winter (some of those on the beach in California), having one of my closest friends in town from Ohio (who cleared her schedule to spend time with me the day after it happened)... I could go on and on.

The biggest blessing, of course, is Nate. He is strong for me when I just can't be. When it all started happening, I looked at him and said, "I can't do this again. I can't." I was completely serious, but I guess I should've thought about that before getting pregnant because I didn't have much of a choice at that point.

The next day I was listening to music and "On the Radio" came on. Even though she's not talking about miscarrying, a few lines in the song felt like they applied:

This is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

Perhaps that's why me and Audrey feel crazy: all this pain and we just do it all again. 

As painful as it is, it's completely worth it. Although, I wouldn't mind if our next baby hung around a little longer than the last two did. I'm starting to take it personally. Just sayin.


Alisha Erin said...

:( i love you, m.c.

Brenda said...

So sorry!!!!

Margaret said...

I don't know how you make an incident almost inexpressible to something so articulate. You sure aren't crazy.

Ty, Steph, Bris, Big T said...

I'm so sorry. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Amanda said...

I cried for you when I read this post, M.C. I know that doesn't do anything for you, really, but I wanted you to know that my heart hurts for you. And I second Margaret's opinion on your sanity.

Heather Lee said...

Crazy old' Maurice or not, I really do love you, your babes, and your sweet husband. I still can't believe you came up, I really shld have rented a car. Seeing you got me through another year in the Midwest...or half a year. You are one fine mama.

Heather Lee said...

I guess fine can mean both looks and quality.

David and Shalynna said...

Sweet M.C., you are in my thoughts and prayers! I'm sorry you have to go through this right now, but your strength and testimony prove that you are always an example to me. Things will work out and I know you are going to me a wonderful mother! It just seems to be taking longer than we thought and hoped. We all have our battles we are fighting, right? I hope you'll continue to feel comforted. Read President Uchtdorf's Forget Me Not talk when you feel down. I love you a lot and it was so great seeing you recently.

Bridget Soell said...

So sorry M.C., my heart goes out to you and Nate! Love you! Aunt Bridget

Amanda S. said...

Oh, M.C., I'm so sorry to hear this. It's completely understandable if you didn't get as excited about this pregnancy, considering what you experienced. Pregnancy is scary in general. Oh, and you're not crazy. I'm hoping the next one hangs around longer, too.

Hannah Frank said...

Oh man MC! I can't imagine going through the miscarriage thing twice! I truly feel for you! With our second pregnancy I felt totally unloving to my baby at first cause I didn't want to hold my breath till the 12 weeks were up. IM thinking this must be normal. It is so heart wrenching to see those first scary symptoms. I hope the drs are underway with trying to find preventative measures for the future. I heart you and pray for you and Nate!

Hannah Frank said...
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Danny & Desirae Sommers said...

I love you guys so much, and I admit, I figured out why you two were being so weird last month. I can't imagine the pain you are in, but know that you are NOT crazy...I am crazy remember, I know crazy. Keep the faith.

ynny said...

Bless you, sweet girl. No- amazing woman. I'm praying for you.

Angela Olson said...

I love you, M.C. You are such an amazing girl. I hope you know that! My heart breaks for you and it seems so unfair that this has happened. You are so strong. You and Nate are lucky to have each other. Wish I could be closer!

Shelby Kendall M. said...

M.C., we aren't very close, but I sincerely hope that changes. I think about you often and I too shed tears reading this. My heart aches for you- Mother to Mother. I have no doubt whatsoever that you and Nate will be the best parents anyone could imagine having. You're an incredibly beautiful and strong couple. David and I really look up to you two. We will keep you in our prayers. We love you!