Monday, March 7, 2011

the post I'd hoped I'd never write

I have gone back and forth on whether or not I should write about this on my blog. I finally decided that it would be a good way to let everyone know without having to tell the details again and again.

Last week we miscarried. (I say we because although I was the one who was pregnant, it was just as heart breaking for Nate.) It was plain awful. There really are no words. Nate and I were so excited to have a baby. We actually found out I was pregnant on our cruise. I realized I was two weeks late when I was packing for the cruise, but I didn’t want to take a test without Nate there (he was away for business). The first night when we were going to dinner on the cruise, I started crying and told Nate that I thought I was pregnant. He said he had been wondering.

Being pregnant changes you. From the moment I found out, the baby was on my mind constantly. Like I said, we were both so excited.

I went to one doctor’s appointment and they said all of my results came back great. Then, a little over a week ago, we went to a second appointment to hear the heartbeat for the first time (we were ten weeks along). When the doctor did the sonogram, she couldn’t find a heartbeat. I was hoping that maybe it was just too soon or we were wrong about the dates. She ended up having us get an ultrasound “just to make sure nothing was wrong.” Right up until she told us the news I was really hopeful that maybe it was just a mistake.  

I was so confused because I had felt pregnant even though the baby wasn’t developing any longer. I guess sometimes your body will keep producing the hormones to help the baby grow just because you want it so badly. In a way, it was a relief when I started miscarrying the next day because I actually felt like what the doctor was telling me was actually going on in my body.

As if the emotion of miscarrying isn’t enough, the physical part is an ordeal all by itself. After being pretty sick, I ended up having a D&C last Monday. I hate hospitals with a passion, but I was so grateful for modern medicine at that point. And luckily I started to feel better immediately after the D&C.

We only told people as we needed to. I should say that Nate told people. For some reason I just couldn’t get the words out. Even now it feels like a really bad dream every time I tell someone. I’m really grateful to all those people who were so wonderful when they found out. We’re especially grateful to my mom who dropped everything to come up here and take care of us. We both keep saying that we don’t think we could have gotten through everything without her.

I’m grateful for all of the support Nate and I have had. There’s really nothing anyone can do or say, but just having people let us know they love us has helped a lot.

I’m so grateful for Nate. Just when I think he can’t be any more amazing than he already is, he goes and proves me wrong. He has been so incredibly wonderful this entire time. He truly is the best person I know. He is so strong and I’m so grateful to have him at my side.

Right now we are doing a lot better. There are still moments when it hits me and I feel like nothing could ever possibly be okay again. Then someone does something to make me laugh or Nate tells me he loves me and I am okay. Of course, I don’t think there is anywhere else on the planet that is harder to have a miscarriage than Provo, Utah. Right now, approximately 86% of my friends are pregnant or have recently had a baby. Going to church or even going to the grocery store hurts so badly. I know those people will be us someday, but sometimes that still doesn’t help in the moment.

Speaking of getting pregnant again, Nate and I have decided to give ourselves some time. I only mention this because people keep telling us that we can get pregnant in just a couple months and things will be just fine. I know everyone says this to be supportive, but for some reason it has the opposite effect. Maybe we will feel up to it in just a couple months, but for right now we aren’t even going there.

I know that people have different beliefs and thoughts on when a baby is actually a living person. Some people believe it’s at conception and others believe it is much later. I know some who have had miscarriages and believe that same spirit was born to them later. I know others who believe each miscarriage was an individual baby, no matter how far along they were. I’ve always believed that it’s probably different with every single pregnancy. I think too often we search for hard and fast rules. There is nothing hard and fast when it comes to creating a person. I thought maybe my feelings would change after this experience, but they really haven’t. I have thoughts about this particular pregnancy, but I feel like I should probably keep those to myself. What I can say is that Nate and I have felt a major loss. I can’t even think of September 21 (the baby’s due date) without my eyes filling with tears. To know that that day will come and we will not have a baby hurts more than I can describe. So many hopes and plans have been lost. However, somehow the love continues. That is a really strange, but amazing feeling.

I’m not yet at the point where I can say I’m grateful for this experience. I’m somewhere between “Why me?” and  “Everything happens for a reason,” but I think that’s an okay place to be at the moment.

29 comments:

Glo said...

MC, I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers. I think it was kind of you to share the experience on your blog. I think miscarriages are more common than most of us want to think, but your post, I am sure will give someone else strength as they are going through a similar experience. I hope that each day gets a little brighter for you.

Katie said...

I wish there was something I could say or do that would make this all better, but I know there isn't. Just know we both love you and are praying for you to be comforted. Stay strong; I know you both will.

Margaret said...

M.C., I am so sorry. There are so many difficult things about loss. The hardest, I think, is having to move on.

I hate the mentality of trying to get pregnant again as a way of "replacing" the past pregnancy. That isn't the case, is it? It diminishes the original pregnancy in the first place.

You are in my thoughts. I am so glad you have a great husband and a great mother.

Holly said...

I'm thinking of you. :) I know how hard this is.

Cara said...

I am soooooooooo sorry to hear this :( I know how hard it must be (not that I've experienced it but my sisters did) I hope that you are doing better. I'm glad your mom was able to come out and be with you. I know that you and Nate will make great parents :)

Meg said...

M.C., I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. I hope that you are recovering well, physically and emotionally. Although you might feel vulnerable, I'm sure that by sharing your thoughts you probably helped somebody else who might be going through the same thing.

Meg said...

As only you can, you articulated so much that I've never been able to put so eloquently after my similar experiences. I love you fuzz head:)

Cheri said...

MC,

I am SO sorry for your loss. I don't think I have ever read something so well written about such a sad experience. If a perfect world existed, there would be no miscarriages and I am sorry this happened. I thought of my favorite poem, "Don't Quit" after reading this and hope you can read it. You and Nate are in my prayers.

Can Can said...

Sure love you Mary Carol. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You and Nate are incredible and I know the Lord's choicest blessing are with you even at this difficult time. Thank you for being willing to share.

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry, Mary Carol. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending love.

Danny & Desirae Sommers said...

I am so sorry. I love you guys so much. You are such amazing people.If you ever need anything, please ask. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Amanda S. said...

I would like to give you a hug. It's difficult to share personal loss, and you did so beautifully.

It's a relief to know that you are okay. I was worried after hearing that you have been out of work a lot lately for appointments. I'm sure it's weird to have people know something is going on and asking you about it when you aren't really ready to talk about it. I really admire you, though.

Joanna Galbraith said...

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. You guys are in my prayers.

Brenda said...

So sorry - love you guys.

Ty, Steph, & Bristol said...

Thoughts and prayers are with you. Take some good time for yourself! Lots of love!

Jeff & Alisha said...

love you m.c. :(

Terril Family said...

I am so sorry. I love you guys and have been thinking of you and praying for you constantly.

Heather Lee said...

This makes my heart extra-break for missing your call the other day...and thinking a text message was adequate communication after not hearing from you for a while. I'm sorry.
I liked what you said about things being different with each pregnancy, and my opinion...it is exactly what you believe it to be. Because I believe that God is that amazing that he creates multiple situations for multiple people and can let them know what that means for them.
I know what you mean about not feeling ready to do agian, right when medically possible.
This probably won't help, but I remember with Holland when people thought I was crazy for sharing I was pregnant at 4 weeks along...I thought, I AM PREGNANT at any point of the pregnancy...I have a BABY growing inside me before it's even the size of a pin-point...at any point it's a loss of a child. And at any point I'd want people to know what I'm going through because, like you said, the moment you're pregnant you are changed.
I also remember thinking if I miscarried (which everyone was worried about) I wouldn't ever try to get pregnant again because it was such a scary thought. Because your heart is already so in love.
Again, probably nothing comforting or helpful...but I'm glad you shared.
I know this is your experience and I'm here for you during it.
Love you! And Baby.

Heather Lee said...

oh and I should add that I love Nate for how much he obviously loves you.
And on second note, what an amazing mother you have.

Krista said...

We are so sorry for your loss. We are always here for you if you need anything. Stay strong and just know that that baby will one day be yours. We love you!

Amanda Nemelka said...

MC (and Nate too). I hesitate to comment because anything I can say seems trite. But, NOT commenting doesn't seem right either. And telling you that I've been where you are and know how you feel seems trite as well, but it is the truth. And all I can say from my experience with an ectopic pregnancy is that as all-consuming and gut-wrenchingly painful as it was, I did heal and it did get better. And as menial as it sounds, we are so sorry that you have had to go through this and will keep you in our prayers.

We love you guys.

GayLynn said...

Dear MC & Nate,
We are so so sorry for all you've been through. Our hearts ached as we read your blog, and just want you to know we are praying for you both. We love you so much, and wish we could make things better for you. Love you, Neil & GayLynn

Tolman Family said...

Nate and M.C.,
We will be thinking of you on Sept 21st...that's when Anna was do too. :) We love you.

SARIE said...

M.C. & Nate,
My heart breaks for you. I love you guys and I wish only the best things for you!

Jessica Laitinen said...

Hi M.C-- wishing you and Nate all the best! Hope things get a little easier soon. Love, Jess

Passelly said...

I'm so, so sorry! We will be praying for you and Nate.

Shauna said...

My little Fergi, how can I call you that now that you're all married and stuff- crazy! I am truly so sorry for your loss and I'm with you, it's a loss and the emotions you have had and will continue to have are real. I'm so glad your Mom was able to be with you. You are one blessed girl to have such an amazing family and such a supportive hubby. I know you will get through this. You are strong. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I mean that. Love you girlie- Shauna

TeaButterfly said...

Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. You two will be in my thoughts and prayers.

and on a side note: "There is nothing hard and fast when it comes to creating a person."

Amen.

-Vic

Autumn Nilsson said...

I know we haven't really talked much (the Sommer's gatherings are so hectic sometimes lol). The last time I saw you was a little after Aunya was born. I have really felt for you since I found out. I know how it feels to go through this and my heart aches for you and Nate! I don't know how things have changed since the last time I saw you (even though I ask almost everybody about you) but I want you to know that I am here for you if you need to talk. I hope things are going well for you!