I have gone back and forth on whether or not I should write about this on my blog. I finally decided that it would be a good way to let everyone know without having to tell the details again and again.
Last week we miscarried. (I say we because although I was the one who was pregnant, it was just as heart breaking for Nate.) It was plain awful. There really are no words. Nate and I were so excited to have a baby. We actually found out I was pregnant on our cruise. I realized I was two weeks late when I was packing for the cruise, but I didn’t want to take a test without Nate there (he was away for business). The first night when we were going to dinner on the cruise, I started crying and told Nate that I thought I was pregnant. He said he had been wondering.
Being pregnant changes you. From the moment I found out, the baby was on my mind constantly. Like I said, we were both so excited.
I went to one doctor’s appointment and they said all of my results came back great. Then, a little over a week ago, we went to a second appointment to hear the heartbeat for the first time (we were ten weeks along). When the doctor did the sonogram, she couldn’t find a heartbeat. I was hoping that maybe it was just too soon or we were wrong about the dates. She ended up having us get an ultrasound “just to make sure nothing was wrong.” Right up until she told us the news I was really hopeful that maybe it was just a mistake.
I was so confused because I had felt pregnant even though the baby wasn’t developing any longer. I guess sometimes your body will keep producing the hormones to help the baby grow just because you want it so badly. In a way, it was a relief when I started miscarrying the next day because I actually felt like what the doctor was telling me was actually going on in my body.
As if the emotion of miscarrying isn’t enough, the physical part is an ordeal all by itself. After being pretty sick, I ended up having a D&C last Monday. I hate hospitals with a passion, but I was so grateful for modern medicine at that point. And luckily I started to feel better immediately after the D&C.
We only told people as we needed to. I should say that Nate told people. For some reason I just couldn’t get the words out. Even now it feels like a really bad dream every time I tell someone. I’m really grateful to all those people who were so wonderful when they found out. We’re especially grateful to my mom who dropped everything to come up here and take care of us. We both keep saying that we don’t think we could have gotten through everything without her.
I’m grateful for all of the support Nate and I have had. There’s really nothing anyone can do or say, but just having people let us know they love us has helped a lot.
I’m so grateful for Nate. Just when I think he can’t be any more amazing than he already is, he goes and proves me wrong. He has been so incredibly wonderful this entire time. He truly is the best person I know. He is so strong and I’m so grateful to have him at my side.
Right now we are doing a lot better. There are still moments when it hits me and I feel like nothing could ever possibly be okay again. Then someone does something to make me laugh or Nate tells me he loves me and I am okay. Of course, I don’t think there is anywhere else on the planet that is harder to have a miscarriage than Provo, Utah. Right now, approximately 86% of my friends are pregnant or have recently had a baby. Going to church or even going to the grocery store hurts so badly. I know those people will be us someday, but sometimes that still doesn’t help in the moment.
Speaking of getting pregnant again, Nate and I have decided to give ourselves some time. I only mention this because people keep telling us that we can get pregnant in just a couple months and things will be just fine. I know everyone says this to be supportive, but for some reason it has the opposite effect. Maybe we will feel up to it in just a couple months, but for right now we aren’t even going there.
I know that people have different beliefs and thoughts on when a baby is actually a living person. Some people believe it’s at conception and others believe it is much later. I know some who have had miscarriages and believe that same spirit was born to them later. I know others who believe each miscarriage was an individual baby, no matter how far along they were. I’ve always believed that it’s probably different with every single pregnancy. I think too often we search for hard and fast rules. There is nothing hard and fast when it comes to creating a person. I thought maybe my feelings would change after this experience, but they really haven’t. I have thoughts about this particular pregnancy, but I feel like I should probably keep those to myself. What I can say is that Nate and I have felt a major loss. I can’t even think of September 21 (the baby’s due date) without my eyes filling with tears. To know that that day will come and we will not have a baby hurts more than I can describe. So many hopes and plans have been lost. However, somehow the love continues. That is a really strange, but amazing feeling.
I’m not yet at the point where I can say I’m grateful for this experience. I’m somewhere between “Why me?” and “Everything happens for a reason,” but I think that’s an okay place to be at the moment.